haunted switch

i don’t know where the love is kept

or where it’s s’posed to be

or if in time like turpentine

it wears the scars from me..

can’t help but look to see if it’s

indeed a thing one holds

or maybe just a fleeting beat

encased in foolish gold,

I’ve looked in jars,

in old cocoons,

in nests that weren’t mine

in saturated fields of blanks

submersed in bittered brine,,

in deeper seas and narrow lakes

and tears that looked like rain

i swam into the netherworld

on limb to ease life’s pain,

still don’t know

don’t think i will

i’m the fool that holds the bag

of sad indecent forgeries

in bottle stuffed with rag,

and there in flames

that lick my wounds

and douse the barest hope

lay i in bloodied blinded search

tied down with devils rope.

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precious little. 

may you never know

in your sweetest life

how much i cry

while laying next to you…

and how I quiet the sobs

and pray you don’t wake up

from the motion of

my shaking form..

and hold my fists

around my heart

so it can keep beating 

just for you.

and how i turn

if ever you do, 

so what you know

is smiling eyes..

and i hide away

in melted form

a huddled mess

of shame,

 dare you see

more than i’m sure

your little heart

already 

knows.

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all my eggs in no ones basket

i know theres no answer

and i’m still just me

shrunken in time

by that boundless clock

where nature holds

all the keys

and dreams i never had

melt slowly away

bit

by bit

by bit

by bit.

and i,

am still.

just me.

 

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locked out

i need nothing

from you or from 

anybody. 

except occasionally,

i may need some nothing. 

and that, i can get. 

easily.

and without reproach. 

and that, 

may just be

enough. 

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forever gone. 

cause it’s gonna be like this 

forever. 

only further 

and more final. 

and painful,

and firm. 

as are all deaths. 

only this one,

will be 

that much worse,

cause we’ll be breathing 

each other’s air..

and in each breath 

there’ll be a small droplet 

of what will never be. 

and for that,

i mourn

already. 

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Frankly my dear 

dip myself back

into that bottle 

to find the solace

you can’t provide. 

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naked truth. 

go away from me

please. 

stop your judging

of who i am

and how i came

to be. 

and keep your voice down. 

i hear you anyway,

loud and clear,

how im everything wrong

and bad

and not good enough

and never would be,

i know.

i know it!

you need not yell it at me. 

please don’t yell it at me. 

cause i die a little

each time 

the volume gets raised.

and if you knew anything 

about me,

at all,

you would know that. 

just be quiet. 

it’s all just so perfectly 

deafening

already. 

that’s all. 

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